It is:
1. Alberta in March.
It follows, therefore, that Alberta's residents are experiencing:
2. Indecisive weather.
As such:
3. One day will be 10 degrees above.
And then:
4. Less than 12 hours later, it will be 15 below.
But:
5. In between these two temps, it rains slush.
Yes:
6. It rains slush.
So then:
7. It goes to -20 plus wind.
Therefore:
8. What was 2 inches of slush coating everything is now 2 inches of sheer ice.
Unless:
9: It managed to melt when it once again went above freezing.
As a result:
10. Walking to work is slower and more tiring than normal.
Furthermore:
11. One gets tired of wondering if one will wear snowpants and the rest of the full regalia or if one will just throw on a single winter jacket.
And thus:
12. When one's entire team will be out of the office on Friday,
It occurs that:
13. One might realize one could treat oneself to driving to work on Friday and parking in one's boss's parking stall.
To top it off:
14. Parking would be free!
So:
15. Said one decides to do thus.
To start the process:
16. One spends Friday morning getting ready in a little less of a rush than normal.
Because:
17: One is going to drive to work.
Eventually:
18: One gets out the door and to the car and beeps it open.
In order to get into the car:
19. One must pull on the handle.
In a bizarre, enigmatic and INFURIATING twist:
20. One discovers both doors are frozen shut.
Rather than:
21. Break the handles off the doors trying to get in, one walks to work.
Since one did not dress for walking:
22. One is very cold by the time one gets to work.
But:
23. One knows it will again warm up before it's time to walk home.
While at work:
24. One realizes one might not get to one's hockey game at 9:45 pm
Because:
25. One's car's doors may still be frozen shut.
After all:
26. The term "warm up" in Alberta in March still means "it's still below freezing."
So:
27. One notifies one's team captain that one might not make it to the game after all.
Gradually:
28. One realizes not having to go to a game that starts at 9:45 might be nice.
Because:
29. One would be able to fall asleep before midnight.
So:
30. One is almost happy one's car's doors are frozen shut. It is a good excuse.
But:
31. One gets home (in said "[supposedly] warmed-up" weather).
Beep beep.
Tug.
Voilà.
Les portes ouvertes.
In conclusion:
32. Why would one's car refuse to open on one of the rare days one can park at work for free, on yet another cold day, and then open in time to disable one's perfect excuse for missing a late-night game?
One wonders.
And decides one should start getting ready to head out the door.
Happy Friday.
